I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
