i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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