my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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