If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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