So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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