I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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