When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he fucked my hip out of place.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
