I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
organizing the empties. That sober.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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