I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
