So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
