so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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