Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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