i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We left an ass print on the piano.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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