All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
