My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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