yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
