Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
