And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
