I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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