I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
