he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize