Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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