I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You took a bar mat shot.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
