I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
