im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize