I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
