my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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