Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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