Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
