Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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