Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just puked most of my soul out..
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
