It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
