He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
