Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
