I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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