i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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