Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize