I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
