I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
