You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
