Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
