I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize