3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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