every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
