I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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