I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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