Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
