you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
