I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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