I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
