Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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