he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
