I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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