I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
