Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
