Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
