Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you had me at cake vodka
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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