it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
