I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
