before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
