Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
