When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
