one might say we're banned from that church
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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