At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
